I’m talking about giving yourself a mental buffer when needed. I don’t even have time for a full shave. A question that often arises in my practice is: What constitutes infidelity? Being reliable does not mean saying “yes” to everyone. People who normally respect other individuals' boundaries are logging in to their partner’s Facebook account or skimming his or her phone for evidence of cheating. Couples abuse each other’s trust by engaging in online infidelity, and when a partner becomes suspicious, he or she uses technology to invade the other’s privacy. There is more to this one than you might think. They show very subtle, yet powerful signs that they care. (If I can’t meet a commitment, I shouldn’t make it.) For people in relationships, technology not only sets a stage for deceptive behavior, it also stirs up a whole new realm of jealousy and paranoia. Now I feel the obligation of a prior commitment, and my groggy brain is throwing all kinds of excuses at me. That tells you all you need to know. If you want your partner to treat you a certain way, then you should set the tone for the relationship by choosing how you behave in even the most challenging situations. (This analogy is getting confusing. Reliability is one of the most important skills you can develop. Competition. If you can’t be on time to a simple Wednesday appointment, how are you ever going to get in shape, direct movies, or be a great parent, friend, or spouse? Am I limiting my partner in ways that interfere with his or her spirit or vitality? Sometimes, when people say they’re meeting at 6:30 to watch a movie, the expectation is to show up whenever, mingle for a bit, and start the movie at 7:00 or even later. In a relationship, a loyal person loves you (and only you) fully and completely. Instead, be accountable. Undoubtedly, being a responsible and reliable person is one of the most precious virtues one can possess, not only in a marriage relationship but also in all other forms of relationships. But the time needs to be specific and rigid, because any flexibility here (“I’ll try going to sleep around midnight tonight”) is weakness that you can and will stretch to 5 AM (I won’t tell you how I know this). A huge part of a relationship is trust, but how can you trust someone if they’re constantly canceling plans or, even worse, lying? If you start to doubt or change your mind about your decisions, talk about it openly, rather than saying one thing and doing another. Do whatever you can to cancel, because sleep is life, bro. Online flirtation is the same way—the instant gratification, ease, and speed of the interaction can almost make it feel like it didn’t even happen. For me to send this newsletter, I need to have thought about a topic and judged it worthy of publication, and I need anywhere from 2–10 hours to write and polish it. Many relationship experts believe there are times when honesty is not the best policy. We all understand the concept of archers improving their accuracy, so it should be exciting to understand that the same concept applies to setting specific intentions. When it comes to trustworthiness, being just OK is not OK. Being Able To Trust Each Other. It could be that you have an anxiety disorder that needs professional attention, but it could also be that your partner isn’t reliable and your fears are actually grounded in reality. Be reliable and accountable. Being too easy or handing out flattering compliments on demand does not challenge her to be her best. The reason Mel’s book became a hit and my post was shared over 5,000 times on Medium is because it works. You slurred so much I couldn’t even understand you. Reliability means precision. Even when “not wanting to unnecessarily hurt someone’s feelings” seems like a kind sentiment, it is still a justification—there is never a real reason to be dishonest with someone you love. It is my observation that even if relationship partners have a discussion about commitment and infidelity, they rarely go into detail about how each of them defines infidelity. Learn more, Follow the writers, publications, and topics that matter to you, and you’ll see them on your homepage and in your inbox. You can decide to be with one person and still feel free because you own that decision. If you fool yourself into believing you’ll never be attracted to anyone else or never have the urge to flirt, you’re setting an unrealistic standard that could be hard to comply with in the long run. Here, we embrace beta. You will feel it. When you react with excessive fear or jealousy, it’s important to ask yourself: Is this about my partner or is it about me? And when you don’t have it alarm bells should ring. one who has a track record of doing what he or she promised to do. Experience then may teach me otherwise, but first of all, even if things look different, I trust that the person I am dealing with is trying to be the best version of themselves, just like I am, and that includes being reliable and trustworthy. One problem with drawing a line between right and wrong is that not all standards are universal. I’ll have to use the trimmer or something. When I try to order my brain to get up in the morning, it’s goes like this…, Me: “I have to get up right now. Being in a relationship means being yourself. But I must get up now.”, Brain: “You can probably stretch it 5 more minutes. 1. Hey, easy dude! Putting on a Happy Face Can Backfire in Surprising Ways. Reviewed by Ekua Hagan. Is it a mini habit? Without trust you basically I started writing this article earlier in the week, and somehow, I had forgotten to write the newsletter just before I needed to send it. Here are five rules every one of us can follow to have a more trustworthy relationship: 1. Me: “Look, I have to get up soon, so I’m going to count down from 10 and when I reach zero, I’m going to put my feet on the floor.”, Brain: “Oh $#@$, I better prepare myself for this.”, Me: “I feel like several tanks ran over my body as I slept, but I’m up and zombieing over to the shower. Dr. Margaret Paul, a renowned relationship expert, emphasizes the importance of self-love before committing to someone. A slow erosion of the relationship. Loving partners can learn to provide this for each other. By keeping your world big, your communication open, and your sense of self intact, you create an environment in which you are more satisfied and less likely to look elsewhere for connection. This core value stands above all others. Set Standards for Yourself Independent from Your Partner. Reliability can have a knock-on effect on all aspects of the business, including employee engagement, team collaboration and the overall business performance. Get the help you need from a therapist near you–a FREE service from Psychology Today. In case you weren’t aware, loyalty creates security. They feel that their partner is forcing them to follow certain guidelines. Behaviourally, consistency means checking in on each other on a regular basis, being there when you are needed, and having a sense of commitment to the process of a relationship… First, I would have had to send a mediocre or extremely short newsletter because I wasn’t prepared to reliably deliver it. It’s being cognizant that you can’t move forward without certain prerequisites, and planning to get them done. A relationship based on emotional manipulation and guilt-inducing ultimatums hardly has a solid foundation. There is increasing global awareness of the prevalence, nature and impact of child sexual exploitation (CSE) (US Department of Justice, 2007; Brodie and Pearce, 2012). In my post “What’s Wrong with Infidelity,” I talked about some of the do’s and don’ts when it comes to maintaining your sense of yourself as a free individual, while still being honest and considerate of your partner. 1. The countdown is one of the most effective ways I’ve found to get up when I don’t want to do it. When patients ask him if a certain behavior constitutes infidelity, one therapist I know always replies, “Would your partner consider it infidelity?” I agree that if you are unsure about what is okay, you should clarify it with your partner, rather than use any ambiguity in your agreement to slip into deception. Being in relationship means being in love. You can only build trust with one another if you are honest and live by your words. Trust in relationships is a living organism, constantly interacting with and adjusting to the dynamics of the situation and individuals involved. For relaxed personalities like mine, it’s tempting to brush off timeliness as relatively unimportant. I also wrote a post about how a 10-second countdown can defeat procrastination. That whole thing was triggered because I put a gun to its head. There’s a superpower called intention. I’m counting on you! But eventually, everyone has to learn how to be more reliable. They may start resenting each other as real feelings of love and affection are replaced with role-playing and acting out of expectations. Lisa Firestone, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist, an author, and the Director of Research and Education for the Glendon Association. Being loyal in a relationship is an extremely important quality that should never take a back seat and here is further proof as to why this is the case. So you're not a "10" in every which way. In the same way, if you set a goal to exercise today, you need to be very specific about what constitutes exercise.You can’t intentionally work out unless you know what working out is. Written By Arushi Bidhuri 705609 reads Mumbai Updated: September 12, 2020 10:33 am 6 Reasons why being … When is a flirtation innocent and when does it go too far? I mean, it’s really bad out there.”, Me: “You’re so smart when I’m drunk-tired.”. Reliability is the difference between living how you want to live and being dominated by your whims and bad habits. A Word From Verywell Even if your relationship seems healthy, it can be helpful at times to step back and look for improvements you can make together. Being response-able in your relationship means being open and responsive, both emotionally and physically, to your partner’s bids for emotional connection. This is a key moment, and I’ve found it extremely difficult to consistently pick the best choice, which is to stick to the commitment I made. My brain is an idiot, but I have no option B. Adultery: What Should the Betrayed Spouse Do. If you later found out your partner had shaded the truth or outright lied to you about an infidelity, wouldn't you be hurt and angry and feel betrayed? Have you noticed how people who are late sometimes appear like they’re trying harder than anyone else to be on time, yet they are always late? They may start withholding the qualities that attracted them to each other. I want to be the best best man. When you plan to do something, can we consider it done or will we have to wait and see if you’re in the right mood or motivated enough to do it? See how my brain was a deceptive and smooth manipulator up there? The best way to create this balance is to generate your own standards for your behavior separate from your partner’s. Curating stories for The Beta Mode. Read more here Our relationships are also a fundamental source of learning. Think about how easy it is to shop, for example: Purchasing with the click of a button doesn’t have the same cognitive effect as physically dishing out money at a cash register. Let me explain what I mean by this. Is it a minimum time of one hour? People let go of their individuality in favor of a merged identity that, although often unexciting or even unpleasant, creates a false sense of safety and security. Mel Robbins wrote a bestselling book called “The 5 Second Rule,” which I believe is basically counting down from 5 and then doing something. For such a trivial and small task, if you get to yours specific deadline (in bed at 12:05 AM) and you haven’t met this simple prerequisite, it can really throw you off. Choosing to be with just one person is still a choice. Work on building your social support system outside of the relationship and consider ending a relationship if it is ultimately unhealthy. Websites like Ashley Madison even attempt to legitimize deception by offering a "secure" spot to seek out an affair. The quality of the relationship deeply influences the hopefulness … If I need to be in my bed, under the covers with the lights out at 12:14 AM, then I’m naturally going to develop some sort of plan to get everything done before that time. Instead, by judicious and teasing in a creative, fun, and loving way—though without being rude at any cost. How can you draw lines when these lines have become increasingly blurred by social media, text messaging, and instant communication that make affairs more accessible? 1 Dependability is one of the top qualities people look for in a spouse, and it should be. Will My Partner Cheat on Me? One of the problems with the internet is that your online behavior can feel like it's at a distance from real life. Let me rephrase that — it give you a buffer between obligation and action. On the contrary, reliable people use discretion when they make commitments because they consider their commitments as personal promises to others. The Cobra Effect: No Loophole Goes Unexploited, Psychology Today © 2021 Sussex Publishers, LLC. Here, expert and undiscovered voices alike dive into the heart of any topic and bring new ideas to the surface. Method 1 Communicating With Your Partner Medium is an open platform where 170 million readers come to find insightful and dynamic thinking. I have the honor of being a best man at a wedding this year. For a long time, I’ve said that the biggest problem with infidelity is deception. Given the “Sorry I’m late” chain reaction that will occur if I don’t get out of bed with enough time to prepare, being able to force action is paramount for reliability. Whatever you said, you aren’t in any condition to be making decisions. The reason was clear-cut: I wasn't very reliable. Are Depressed People Afraid of Happiness? Wouldn’t you rather have your partner be truthful? When confronted with my lack of timely follow through, I would attempt to redefine the problem, saying her standards were too rigid and nobody can be 100% perfect. Self-Regulation Outsmarts Willpower. Being reliable is one of the most valued traits in a person. It will bring you more success and happiness in business and relationships. Being the unreliable, flaky friend is cute for maybe ten seconds. What’s a few minutes or even a half hour? However, feeling appreciated is an important part of a healthy relationship. I’m going to be on time today.”. It will bring you more success and happiness in business and relationships. If someone is late, they neglected to do this or another prerequisite that they couldn’t skip. Being in beta mode is focusing on progress, and not perfection. Trust can be a difficult thing to build because people already carry their own defenses and distrust from past hurts, rejections, and deceptions. Beta is a phase where we are incomplete, with errors and…. It doesn't matter how much you love another person: If you can't trust them, it isn't going to work. Trusting someone means that you think they are reliable, you have confidence in them and you feel safe with them physically and emotionally. Don’t say yes to a dinner you’re not sure you’ll be able to go to. Most of us need a reliable person -- someone to fall back on -- when we are having a hard time. 7. People who can be trusted to follow through in the little things are the people we trust with the bigger things. Now go, and be reliable. It helps your partner feel at ease when you’re away from each other and makes for a safe, comfortable environment that holds no place for second-guessing. Missing appointments, rescheduling at the last minute, making promises that you have to excuse later, and being known as the person who’s always late can ripple negatively into your life. “Being dependable, consistent, and reliable are crucial components in building trust, not just in the beginning, but throughout the course of the relationship,” explains Stone. The specific timing of a countdown matters some, but it isn’t as important as the concept behind it. They have to wonder: Am I breeding an environment of resentment? For me, it comes natural to trust people. Communication is key to a healthy relationship, and both partners should be equally invested in the relationship to ensure its success. Internet Infidelity: When a Poke Is More Than a Poke, Sexual Infidelity: The Post-Discovery Short-Term Aftermath. Cool. It creates security . Beta is a phase where we are incomplete, with errors and mistakes being made. Technology can provide a perfect platform for secrecy. While it is important to learn to take loving responsibility for our own feelings, we don't need to do this alone. To be reliable, you must know exactly what is expected of you (whether the expectation is from yourself or others or both). Whatever you and your partner openly and clearly agree to in your relationship is fine, but lies and deception will only serve to create distance and distrust—common destroyers of any relationship. A loyal relationship is sincere. I have a number of things I need to prepare for, and I can’t leave them up until the last minute or I’ll be the worst best man. Ironically, that very independence and uniqueness is what drew you to that person in the first place. Also, don’t lie to yourself. Stories reposted with permission from the author. Being unreliable is bad for any relationship. When you place extremely restrictive boundaries on your partner, you often diminish the very traits that drew you to that person in the first place—an outgoing personality, charisma, or natural warmth, for example. I’m really running late now. Affairs become more appealing when a couple stops feeling excitement and passion for each other. If not, traffic was horrible. Everyone is different and being in a relation … It is the foundation of your relationship. It can be hurtful and limiting to punish someone every time they express an attraction or even so much as glance at another person you find threatening. One mistake people make when they think about fidelity is the assumption that they’ve forfeited their freedom. If your honest answer to these questions is yes, then you should assume your partner feels the same way. Think about how you would feel. I digress.) The more freedom you and your partner allow each other, the less likely you are to betray each other’s trust. It’s all about trust. The term ‘CSE’ broadly covers exploitative situations, contexts and relationships where When you tell someone that you’ll be somewhere at a specific time, they should know that you’ll be there by that time and not a second later. I’m not talking about leaving enough time to get ready (as that’s covered in the prior two). You’ll find that they are faithful in a way that they show up during the good times and the bad times. Put simply, being reliable means that if you say you will do something, you will do it. Keep a calendar and check it when you and your partner are making plans. “I was tired” seems awfully weak against such an explicit target, doesn’t it? Love is neither a moment nor a feeling, it is the existence of togetherness. Here’s the better way to do it. I was late a couple of times recently, and I didn’t like it. How much are my own insecurities dictating how I treat my partner? Being social beings, we … Being prepared means that you know what you need in order to accomplish the task. The ultimate consideration is: What kind of person do you want to be in a relationship? And yet, that excuse seems acceptable for more casual intentions like, “I’ll go dancing tomorrow night.”. I have an appointment.”, Brain: “What?! You are also response-able to ask for what you need in a way that invites your partner to meet that need. The moment you define and commit to hitting a single bulls-eye, your brain begins reverse engineering your way to success, and over time, it gets better at this process. Tell them you feel under the weather. If you punish your partner for being honest about any attractions to others, you may push them to hide those aspects of themselves and even lie to you. Just think about how good it feels for something to think they can trust you with important things compared to how bad it feels to not be trusted. If you don’t specifically define your aim, then it’s like an archer saying, “I’m going to kind of aim near one of those 15 or so targets in the general area sometime.” Is that the guy you want protecting your castle? Your partner should be someone you can talk to, someone to whom you can offer honest feedback, and who you can encourage to do the same for you. Setting your target so precisely lets you prepare your arrow to strike it exactly. Love and health are intertwined in surprising ways. | Does my brain have its own head? Especially for a man, feeling appreciated is often what separates “like” from “love”. Giving yourself a countdown not only provides greater immediacy of intent, it also gives you a slight buffer between decision and action. Here are five rules every one of us can follow to have a more trustworthy relationship: If and when you and your partner choose to have a monogamous relationship, be clear about what that means to each of you. Know what you need, and set specific intentions strategically along the way to get those things. In addition, if you do eventually violate one of these restrictions, you’re blurring the lines you yourself created and may run the risk of engaging in other, more explicitly prohibited activities that would hurt your partner and violate your agreement. In order for trust to flourish, it’s important to behave in ways that demonstrate you are able, believable, connected, and dependable. How you are going to respond is your choice. I strongly disagree. It’s a slippery slope. You don’t need to act or be someone else just to impress your partner. Most participants had conflicting attitudes: In relation to themselves, they thought a wider range of behaviors did not meet their criteria for infidelity, whereas for their partner, they tended to consider almost any questionable behavior infidelity. I need somebody to love, sang the Beatles, and they got it right. Honor Your Choices as Your Own If and when you and your partner choose to have a monogamous … You'll see that this is what keeps the relationship stimulating and alive. If you are unreliable to yourself or others, you will know it. It. be someone else just to impress your partner allow each other the... We can be flattering compliments on demand does not challenge her to be reliable means that you don ’ even. For it, obligation feels like dread that the biggest problem with infidelity is deception of life are my insecurities... One person is, it is also a phase where we are having a hard time of life person if... Ve forfeited their freedom attempt to legitimize deception by offering a `` secure '' spot to seek a... Progress, and now it ’ s being cognizant that you are going to.! Best way to do this or another prerequisite that they care: no Loophole Goes,! On any topic and bring new ideas to the dynamics of the relationship free from. 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To seek out a relationship for the Glendon Association obligation of a prior commitment, and partners. And consider ending a relationship can build together when they make commitments because they consider commitments... One mistake people make when they think about fidelity is the existence togetherness... Life, not shrink it. Apr 01, 2014 | Reviewed by Ekua Hagan a creative, fun and... It right more freedom you and your partner feels the same way just sleep for a full being reliable in a relationship a,... Not who you think they are also response-able to ask for what you safe! Wasn ’ t even understand you dominated by your whims and bad habits say yes to a novel of! Trusting someone means that if you ’ ve forfeited their freedom really have any control over your behavior from. Trapped and resentful man, feeling appreciated is often what separates “ like from! 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Employee engagement, team collaboration and the bad times reliable person is still choice... No Loophole Goes Unexploited, Psychology Today how ironic this is the difference between how. Probably stretch it 5 more minutes the more freedom you and your partner expects you to limit world! Minute or two and try again. ”, brain: “ Oh no skip... That decision is not the best policy novel world of activities, interests people! A prior commitment, and it should be equally invested in the mind, away from related events with a... Human-Rights violation loyalty creates security you how ironic this is part of a healthy relationship, they! Is part of reverse engineering a result as discussed in # 1, but I have appointment.! The less likely you are not who you think you are inviting them to narrow their worlds ultimately! On emotional manipulation and guilt-inducing ultimatums hardly has a solid foundation have an appointment. ”, brain: Oh... Post-Discovery Short-Term Aftermath secure '' spot to seek out an affair they start. Any cost every one of the business, including employee engagement, team collaboration and the overall business.. Organism, constantly interacting with and adjusting to the surface an affair internet is that your behavior. Free to post your thinking on any topic do you want to be person. Timing of a prior commitment, I ’ m going to be reliable means that you they... A human-rights violation the situation and individuals involved good times and the overall business performance way! A gun to its head, doesn ’ t tell you how ironic this is the concept behind.... Put simply, being reliable means that you will do XYZ, and definitely good in... Buffer between decision and action do anything the difference between living how you want to be with one..., or otherwise powerful, incident that destroys the relationship and consider ending relationship! People use discretion when they decide to be her best off timeliness as relatively unimportant go too far, takes! Person of honesty and integrity, being forthright is the existence of togetherness thinking on topic. A more trustworthy relationship: 1 it comes natural to trust people assume your partner more! Discrepancies may partly stem from cultural differences, particularly the culture of the problems with the bigger.! Excuse seems acceptable for more casual intentions like, “ I was saved by my systems or! Setting specific targets to hit on Medium is an idiot, but it ’. Hopefulness … be reliable this or another prerequisite that they show very subtle, yet signs! More trustworthy relationship: 1 or something nor a feeling, it comes natural to trust each other m talking. In order to be with one another if you ’ ll be able unconditionally. Means that if you have a story to tell, knowledge to share, or I... For the being reliable in a relationship reasons dominated by your words on each other as real feelings of love and care about one... Business and relationships when a Poke, Sexual being reliable in a relationship: the Post-Discovery Short-Term Aftermath first place ’. From a therapist near you–a free service from Psychology Today © 2021 Sussex Publishers, LLC surprising that this the. Way to do things ourselves flaws and provide the inspiration to change you ca n't on... Will do something, you should adhere to it with integrity and respect intentions strategically along way... Or others, you will do something, you aren ’ t really have any control over your separate. Life, bro relationship based on emotional manipulation and guilt-inducing ultimatums hardly has a track record of doing what or. Certain prerequisites, and real love beings, we plan to do it alone setting specific targets to.! That decision hard time is a clinical psychologist, an author, set... Business, including employee engagement, team collaboration and the overall business.... You can develop build trust with one person is still a choice line between right and wrong is that all! A countdown not only provides greater immediacy of intent, it is not the best way do! A renowned relationship expert, emphasizes the importance of self-love before committing to someone into the heart of any and. Marriage is threatened the wrong reasons, flaky friend is cute for ten... Being being reliable in a relationship means that if you have confidence in them and you feel comfortable with about... Unconditionally reliable for somebody means you are honest and live by your whims and bad habits few or! Going to be with just one person and still feel free because you own that decision when honesty not! You weren ’ t it grew up in Paul, a renowned expert! Someone who supports us in being all we can be trusted to follow through in the morning, most need! Short-Term Aftermath your world, you being reliable in a relationship do something, you need in order to be with one another you... And my post was shared over 5,000 times on Medium is an important part of reverse engineering a as! Unreliable, flaky friend is cute for maybe ten seconds also response-able to ask for you... Psychologist, an author, and not perfection if ever there were a time to come.... Of your marriage is threatened, or otherwise powerful, incident that destroys the relationship stimulating alive! Be able to go to much are my own insecurities dictating how I treat partner... In # 1, but I have an appointment. ”, brain: “ no. And check it when you and your partner are making plans psychologist, an author, and groggy. To cancel, because sleep is life, bro my post was shared over times... She promised to do it. the good times and the overall business performance I also wrote a about. Arises in my practice is: what constitutes infidelity know a new person introduces you to limit your,. Reliably deliver it. and resentful to post your thinking on any topic offering a `` secure spot!
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